How to make a fool of yourself at a Tokyo Mexican restaurant

I’m working part-time as a bartender/waiter at a Mexican restaurant in Tokyo. It’s a pretty good restaurant with some of the best Mexican food in my opinion in Japan–everything is made from scratch and the owner imports directly from the mariachi country a fair amount of ingredients and lots of tequila otherwise unavailable here.

The crowd is about 60-65% Japanese and the rest foreign. We do get a few Mexicans every once a while (one of the Mexican regulars is super hot!), but most foreigners are Americans in search of a food that reminds them of home. Now, here’s a list of the dumbest things I’ve been asked at the restaurant.

1) The food better be good–we’re from Texas. Oh really…I will immediately run into the kitchen and tell everyone that three Texans are threatening us with the test of credibility. Unless you’re Mexican, don’t give me this. I don’t care and neither does the kitchen. Just eat your food and be happy there’s no raw tuna in it.

2) Are the chicken enchiladas vegetarian? Well, since you had to ask, no.

3) Can you make my margarita with [insert obscure tequila name here]? Unless you know your way around tequilas, don’t ask me to substitute it. Especially if it makes me cringe to ruin an awesome and otherwise rare tequila in Japan with lots of lime juice and salt. Would you pour coke into a 15-year whisky?

4) The food better be good…we’re from California. See number one above.

5) Is a mojito the cocktail with all the grass in it? If you bring your yard clippings, I’ll throw them in as well.

6) The food better be good…I’m from Ohio. If you’re from Ohio, you might want to keep it to yourself.

7) Why are the portions so small? Why are so many people obese in the US?

8 ) The food better be good…we’re from Hawaii. This one I really don’t get.

9) Do you have regular ice tea or you make it with that green shit? Since this is a Mexican place, we proudly feature our homebrew made with discarded corn husks and stale nachos.

10) Dos cervezas por favor! Cerveza means beer and no restaurant in the world stocks one generic brand. Unless you know how to reply to the inevitable follow-up question–Que cerveza? Which beer?–don’t pull this on me or I’ll make you look like a fool by answering in Spanish.

11) Rubbing my belly while I’m rattling off the dessert menu and asking if I had one too many flans does not go well with me. In fact, better not touch me at all–there’s knives in the kitchen and I know how to use them.

12) Announcing to the whole room that you had the last portion of ice cream, saying that it was delicious, and then apologizing for it makes you look like a moron. This was the same customer who rubbed my belly before ordering the ice cream.

13) God mom, you’re such an idiot! This happened to my friend Paul, when an unsuspecting mother asked if we serve fajitas or chimichangas. “God mom, this is a Mexican restaurant, not a Tex-Mex place,” said her frustrated daughter…there is hope after all.